Curveball

The stuff you realize late at night.

My name is Connor Ross Martin, and welcome to my life through a computer screen.

I've come to realize that there's someone protecting me. Everyone has their fair share of trials, and I have, but I can't help but acknowledge, and be thankful for, the fact that I've lived an easy life. That the hardest things I've had to go through were mostly all the result of my own mistakes. And this is happening while so many people I know go through enormous grief and loss that cannot be predicted or controlled. But my greatest overhauls have all been because I did something horrible, and having to correct myself and walk away from that a better person. A few times maybe I even did.
There was a time in my life where I was not an honest person. Even now, I'm not the most honest person, but I try to be, and I feel truly that I'm ok. But once, honesty meant nothing to me.
And it all came back. Hard.
Sometimes reality is hard to accept. But it's reality.
Anyway, to come forward a little bit, something happened last night. A series of bizarre circustances put an old friend of mine in a position where he was out of options and needed someone to help him out. And I did. What it meant was a long drive late at night in my parent's car. And on the way, I missed hitting a deer by about 2 inches. I had only seen it because there was a car coming the other way that hit it with its headlights. Lemme explain something to you. This was Three o' clock in the morning. There were no other cars. There hadn't been any other cars. And the only one that I saw on almost this whole drive was there right then to light up this deer. And the deer didn't stop. It look right into my headlights and kept running, and I braked and barely, barely missed it. If that car wasn't there, or that deer had stopped in my headlights, my parent's car would be trashed and my friend and I would have been stranded miles from home.
I dare you to call that coincidence. I double dare you.
But eventually we got the thing done.
And on the way home I got to talk with this friend whom I have known for a long time and haven't seen in a while.
We talked about missions. He asked me what I was going to do.
I told him I am going to send my papers in this April and wait for my call and go serve the Lord with faith and obedience. That is decided. Try and stop me.
Then he asked why, or rather, what made me decide.
That was something to think about. And I did think about it. Why am I going on a mission? Because my mom wants me to? Because my church leaders encourage me to? There were a million real reasons why, but none of them felt rock-solid and deep and pressing. Yes, they are all reasons, but I couldn't feel any of them in my heart and my spirit. I felt...well, dampened. Like I'm kind of mindlessly going in this direction without meaning. And this same question, why, related back a little bit. I wasn't always the best kid. I wasn't well behaved and I wasn't respectful of myself or anyone. I didn't make good choices. But I wanted to change. I wanted to put all that behind me and start doing right by who knows what. And here is that same question. Why? Why didn't I just keep living how I was living? Why did I care to start letting the gospel dictate my life? To start listening to my parents and start preparing for my mission? I can't think of a reason. Why did I? Yes, there are reasons like, because the way you were living was bad for you, and because in the long term you're better off if you can improve. But those didn't feel like the right reasons for me. Just good ones. Why was I, Connor, trying to escape the chaos? Maybe I had a good reason at the time and I've just forgotten what it was. Heaven knows that's more than plausible. But as for reasons why I try to be better, and why I'm going on a mission, I couldn't find that reason that filled me with its truth in my core, like when you take in a big deep breath of air and you can feel your lungs swell. All of these reasons, and the desicions themselves, felt like they were stopping on some sort of shell, and they couldn't get in to my heart for me to feel them in that way. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had no depth.
But there was a reason. A simple one. And because I'm so logical and calculating of a desicion-maker, most of my choices have been based off logic and foresight, not feeling or inspiration. And this answer didn't stray far from home. Why am I going on a mission?

Because it's the right thing to do.

I wear a CTR ring on my right index finger. Choose the right. I had gone through all of this pondering and the answer was right there on my finger the whole time. Choose the right. In all that you do. And let all that you do be good, and right, that it may be a step toward God, away from ignorance, temptation, darkness, mindlessness and isolation. Let your actions make you a representative of Jesus Christ, and example to all, and a beacon of Faith, Hope, Charity, and Love, with an eye single to the glory of God. And with the other eye on the road. That's what my ring means. And that's why I'm going on a mission.
As to why I started to "change my ways" several months back, I have a faint recollection of my role as a futurist coming into that conflict of choice. Always looking forward. What was it..? Something about how you can make these choices, but they lead nowhere. That's right. That's what it was. It was a matter of logic and calculation. There was more of me figuring this out mentally than being swept by the words of the still small voice. And I believe nothing less than realistic interpretation being the influence of the Holy Ghost on the human thought process. For me, at least. It wasn't a burning in my bosom, it was a brightness in my brain. Thinking lead to me telling myself that these choices will lead down a road that goes to essentially nowhere. It's science. It's reality. Who makes these choices and because of them ends up with a strong family, a successful career, and a solid future? No one. These things I was doing were the epitome of short-sightedness. And short-sightedness if the enemy of futurism, preparedness, and ahievement, all of which are results of desicions made throught the influence of the Holy Ghost. Later on in my life I experienced the spirit in the way and sense of feeling, but then and there, it was thought.

I feel deeper already. But there's more to go. I haven't served my mission yet! But you can bet I'm getting ready, and I'm going to give it everything I have and more.

...because it's the right thing to do.

This became a theme of my conversation with this friend. Goodness comes from making these choices. It should dictate every choice. There is black and white. And right and wrong. But look how people in our world today have twisted and disgraced that. They mutilate what's right and what's wrong to fit what they want and don't want to do. People justify everything they do and then forsake those words that tell them they are wrong. This, my friends, is the dark underbelly of concentrated liberality. Freedom in the darkest sense. Using, or rather abusing, our precious and valuable agency to make choices that are sick and abominable, and then defending themselves, saying it is what they want so it is not wrong. There is right and wrong, and whether someone wants it that way or not, that is how it is. Reality. Actuality. Sometimes it's hard. And sometimes it is harsh to say this to someone, even ourselves, that even though this is what you want, and "love", you are spitting in the face of every gift you are given and every sacrifice made for you to be able to tell yourself, ourselves, that that is ok. That you can do whatever you want and it's ok.
We can do whatever you want. But it is not ok. True freedom is being able to choose and choosing right, taking the step towards a new freedom. Not using the opportunity to do wrong to accually commit wrong, and let that direct your actions. How dare we pick apart this beautiful world and society we are given so that it suits our selfish desires? Should we not shape ourselves to better fit and serve our world? Or brothers and sisters?
I know a man, he is a member of the church, was raised in the church, a nice man, but with a troubled childhood. The details of it I do not know. What I do know is that he did not have the strongest and most secure family growing up. He is a good guy and a good friend. And he believes firmly in the doctrines of the LDS Church.
Except for one. There is one principle that the church teaches that he simply disagrees with, and lives contrary to. But everything else, he believes and supports. How can this be? How can you believe in principles derivative of the word of God Himself, yet ignore one of them, because you wish to live against it?
How could people ever feel so entitled, so arrogant, that they would disregard and element of the church because it does not suit what they want?? How can a child of God twist and make a mockery of the word of God so that it serves their own selfish purpose, or even excuses it?
And to try to correct this desecration of truth, we are wrong?? Am I a bad person because I care to uphold a law of the church of God, who has given me all that I have and ever will have? Because I oppose violation of the meaningful guidance of the words of the Prophets of God? How can someone have faith that a prophet is a prophet, but disregard one of their teachings because it tells them they are wrong?
It is so hard to admit when you're wrong. Anyone reading this knows I can sure improve in that aspect. But it is a matter of throwing away the pride that is putting your own interest above the interest of our world, our fellow man, and our God. To tell oneself that what they're doing is ok and right, for the sake of self-reserve and preservation, and the preservation of one's own way of life, that is the ultimate blindness.
We are not right to ignore and defy truths and laws so that they reserve acceptance of our selfish dictation. Instead, we must shape ourselves to follow this course of truth. How can I change my own ways to follow the path of rightneousness? Not attempt to "correct" the path because it tells me what I'm doing is wrong.
Yes, it's hard to be wrong. But real strength is not in justifying and rationalizing it so it can be continued with peace of mind (which can never come of wrong choices no matter how solid the rationalization is). It is in accepting, forsaking, and reversing it. Humbling oneself, and putting the Lord's will before our own. That is strength.
It is especially hard when another person, who is also imperfect, is telling you you're wrong. You would think, who are you to judge me, and tell me how to live my life? Are you perfect, that you could decide what is best for another human being?
No, they aren't. I get it. But think, would God wish for you to make that choice? That person who is seemingly judging you and telling you how to live your life, how could you give them the satisfaction of submitting to their ideal?
Even if they are wrong to point out your flaws, to accuse you, is that ideal, in its untainted form, an ideal of the Lord? If it is, you may have to do the hardest thing in the world. You may have to accept that ideal, that may be the opposite of what you want, change, and live it. But don't do it because someone else told you to. Do it because the Lord wants you to.
And now to everyone I say this, always, always be loving and selfless toward every child of God you meet, no matter how many laws of God they break, no matter how ignorant they may be, remember, we are all imperfect, you and I are no better than them, on earth or in the eyes of God. And so who are you to judge them, when God loves them just as much as He loves you? Or me?

But for ourselves, we must not attempt to shape what we hear and what the church or the law, or anything tells us, so that it suits what we want. Can we sacrifice what we "want" and shape ourselves and our actions to fit the Lord's way? If everyone were to do this, the world might even be a peaceful place. But what you and I can do is be this righteousness in ourselves. Should God tell us we are contrary to his way, however hard it may be, we must be humble, accept the will of the Lord, and follow his words. It is hard, yes, but I promise it is for our own good and will lead to true happiness. Because He loves us all.

To end this, going back to that story, as I dropped off my friend, he asked why I went to the trouble to help him when no one else would, to sacrifice time and resources to extend a hand of fellowship to a brother in need. Guess what I told him?
Because it was the right thing to do.

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It has recently come to my attention that the world might not be so nice outside my ivory tower. High School was High School, and I knew there were people who didn't like me and thought I was terrible. It happens. But since then, I've been on my own, more an individual in a detached community than an integrated part of a social High School society. I like myself. So I think of myself as someone who is liked. But I have learned not too long ago that that is not the case. There are people who despise me, look don on me and are disgusted by me because of who they think I am. And I will admit, they're right about a lot of it. I am extremely selfish. I am self-absorbed and obnoxious. I can be rude, annoying, and very arrogant.
But guess what? I'm trying to be good. I have the best intentions. So there are people who don't see or know that. I realized this the other day...I DON'T CARE! Yeah, so you may think I'm a stuck up jerk, so what? I know who I am. Especially lately. When a lot of this started in High School I was a cold, calculating, emotionless robot of a person. And arrogant beyond belief. I thought I could make choices for other people because I knew what was best and what was right. Sheeeeeeesh. But that was the old, this is the new. I realize that there are people who don't like me because they don't get it. So I'm trying to make that reflective. If there's a person I don't like for reasons I presume are dominant, I'm trying to forget that, see the good in people and get to know and like them. And you know what? Most of the time it works! People I don't like, once I give them a chance, they can really rub off on me. I think that works for everyone. So try and make this goal with me--to be accepting and loving of everyone, no matter what you think you know, and how you miught feel now. You might be surprised.
And if someone doesn't like you, and you've tried so hard to be nice, and good to them, and to be friends, and they just won't have it...who cares? You don't need everyone to adore you to be the best you can be. in fact, a little opposition can be a good motivation sometimes. Cheers.

I wish I was less awkward. Oh well. Things are crazy right now. But maybe I should be more confident? I don't know.

I'm starting to really miss having a girl in my life.

You know what I mean. A girl. The last one was really shaping up to be great but things just never go according to plan and I got dropped off on a cold streak that's still going to this day. Can you keep a secret? I'm actually pretty sad about that.

I mean, hooking up(Mormon style, of course) is nice...I guess...and fun in its own way. Ha. I won't say that that hasn't happened a couple times... But that's not really what I want. I'm definitely not after a relationship, though. Heavens no. I'm not complaining about this at all, really. I don't even know what I'm doing. Just saying, I guess. I miss it.
But not so much that its bothering me. Because I have great friends right now. And I know that's all I need.

Oh, and just because I said this, don't think it means I'm gonna go off chasing the next broad who winks at me. No, I'm not the person to do something like that. I'll make desicions based on what's right. (Ha ha)
Because it's the right thing to do.