Rrrrr...

Things always spin out of control.

I hate it and I'm being a control freak and I know it but come on, it's human nature to want to be in control of things. Especially the things I know are best. I know I have to choose what's right and do the right thing but I'm being tossed around by circumstances and life right now and it seems that nothing that happens is up to me. That I have no influence over what happens in my own life. In fact I know I don't. No one does. No one gets to decide one thing about what happens to them, only what we do about it.
It sucks, right?
Am I being teased or something? I know I have a great life. An amazing life, really, and I'm thankful for all of it, truly. But sometimes it seems like something so great is just out of my reach, and right when I'm getting close it turns to dust. Or spits in my face or something like that.
I want what's best for my loved ones, I really do. But how can I help that when they're doing what isn't necessarily best for themselves? I don't know. And they make up their minds. I try to help them acheive or do what's best but they want something else and now and they're not looking far enough ahead to see what I am. And I'm sure it goes the other way. I know there's people who just think, "Connor, come on. Help me out here, you're being stupid and you need to listen and realize sometimes your own perspective isn't enough." And I bet I'm the same way about it too. "Nope, I got this. I know what I'm doing, and I'll be fine."
You can never accept that the choices you make, we make I should say, that are what we want right now, down the road they can lead to a million terrible things.
You see, people start to miss something that may be gone for good reason, or want something, and they want or miss it so bad that they go looking for it, and they force themselves to find it, often in a place or person that isn't the best. We want it so bad we don't really think about where we get it from as long as we get it. And that's what goes down that road, where bad things happen. I've seen it countless times. And I have to admit, I haven't always handled my friends going down that path in the best way. It's been some dark stuff for me too. But it's so worth it to take your time, and think, and make sure that what you're getting is the real deal, the best there is. Sometimes you need to ask someone close to you who cares about you what that may or may not be. But nobody wants to. It's worth it to make sure that what you're getting isn't just a quick fix for this desire you have. Maybe the desire itself isn't even of any real inportance. It's ok to listen to your friends.
Maybe this thing you want isn't meant for you to worry about for a long time. Maybe it's been in front of you for a long time, hiding, or right in your face, and you haven't noticed it. Point is, we should be striving for what we know is best for us. Being a futurist, I try to look ahead as far as I can. But sometimes to get a better view you need another pair of eyes. If you cover up one of your own eyes, you lose depth perception and can't see how far away things are. But as soon as you bring in that other eye, which is looking from a different angle, things become clear. They become deep and the dimensions really come out. And you can see how far away these things really are. And how far they really go, and where.
Now hopefully my blog hasn't been compromised and only a few of my close friends are able to read this, so I can say things in such a way that I can make it be like me speaking to you, you few who I am comfortable expressing myself to. I want what's best for all of my loved ones. I wish they knew how serious I am about that. I wish you knew. If I mean anything by all of this that I'm writing, it's that I'm right here, guys. I've always been here and I always will be right here.



On another note, conference just ended. Gotta say I like it more every time. Monson is such a stud! Maybe I'm growing up. I'm growing closer to the gospel and it's good, I can feel it. Everything that happens now hits me harder and stronger. It's like my sensitivity to emotion and the Spirit are amplified. I feel stronger spiritually and more righteous. I feel like I stand tougher and it's easier to choose and stand for what's right. Feels great. I hope I can shed some of that off on others. IF they don't take me for granted.
It happens.

Oh well. That's all I got for now. Love and peace, adios